


Burning Memories

by gibbsandtonysbabe



Category: NCIS
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, Fingerfucking, Hurt, Kissing, M/M, Memories, Oral Sex, Pain, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-04-18
Updated: 2014-05-31
Packaged: 2017-12-08 20:00:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 21,214
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/765410
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gibbsandtonysbabe/pseuds/gibbsandtonysbabe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Them being together was everything he ever wanted, but he was finding out that sometimes love just isn't enough. Letting go was the hardest thing that he ever had to do. Can you move forward when every touch, every kiss is burned into your memories? Time heals all wounds and with a little luck maybe you get a chance to have everything you never knew you wanted.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I own nothing from and make no money from NCIS.
> 
> A huge thanks goes to my most excellent Beta-Amy- without whom this would not be as polished! Kudos to her for her great work and wanting to work with a nut like me! Trust me! There is much love to her! She also feeds the bunnies some massive happy food since they keep appearing.

Tony looked across the bullpen at Gibbs, wondering if he had the strength to make his ultimatum. God help him it wasn’t what he wanted to do, but things couldn’t keep on the way going the way they were. He needed and deserved more.

 

Right now, he felt that he was a dirty secret; Jethro didn’t want to admit that he was in a relationship with him. Part of him that knew it wasn’t completely true, but his actions seemed to show otherwise. No one knew they were seeing one another. They rarely spent the night together, and they never went out in public.

 

Tony wanted a real relationship with Jethro and this was anything but. He didn’t doubt the feelings Jethro had for him, he wasn’t stingy with words when they were together, but it wasn’t enough. After coming to that realization, he was hesitant to share with him what he truly wanted, no - needed. If he was brushed off or ignored, did he have the strength to let the man go? Tony chuckled bitterly; he never thought that he would be the one who wanted it all.

 

After years of hiding his feelings for the older man, never believing a relationship would be possible, here he was contemplating breaking up with him and having to set him free. How fucked up was that? 

 

***Flashback***

“Where did Gibbs go? I found a lead.” Tony looked around the bullpen at McGee.

 

“Don’t know. He grabbed his coat and gun and ran out of here.” 

 

“Did he say where?”

 

“No.” McGee looked at the screen trying to remember exactly what they had been going over while Tony was tracking down a lead.

 

“I was telling him about a phone call that Petty Officer Jacobs received from Captain Lestrange on the day she died. Gibbs stared at the screen for a moment and then ran out.”

 

Tony pointed to the plasma screen. “Was this what he was staring at?”

 

McGee glanced at the display. “Yes.”

 

Tony walked closer and looked at the records displayed trying to piece together what Gibbs may have seen. And then he saw it, Lestrange had called Jacobs and it had been in close proximity to Ducky’s estimated time of death.

 

“I think he went to question the Captain again. Damn it why didn’t he take back up?”

 

“Don’t know Tony, maybe he didn’t think about it. You know how he gets when a child is involved. Jacob’s daughter is still missing.”

 

“It’s no excuse Probie.”

 

McGee held up his hands in surrender. “Hey, I’m not disagreeing Tony.”

 

Tony sighed. “I know. Where would the Captain be right now?”

 

Tim looked at the clock. “”Home more than likely; we didn’t track his movements so that is my best guess.”

 

“Ok, I’m going to head that way so I can wring Gibbs’ neck.”

 

Tim chuckled. “Good luck with that.”

 

Tony grabbed his gun mumbling under his breath as he walked towards the elevator. ‘Damn fool what the hell was he thinking? Need a leash on him.’

 

NCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCIS

 

Driving to the Captain’s home, Tony hoped Gibbs wasn’t walking into a situation that was more than he was prepared for. The man damn well knew better than to walk into a suspect’s house without back up. Maybe it was time to remind the bastard, after he killed him of course.

 

Coming to a quick stop behind Gibbs’ car he quickly got out and made his way to the house with his hand on his gun. What he saw when he looked into the window made his blood run cold. The older man was lying on the floor, gun in hand, surrounded by blood from what appeared to be a head wound.

 

Pulling out his phone, he called McGee.

 

“McGee, get back up to Lestrange’s house.”

 

“Yes! He’s here, on the ground with a possible head wound – just do it!”

 

“I can’t tell if he’s breathing. I’m going in, just get here ASAP.”

 

“Can’t wait Probie, he needs help. Call for a bus”. Tony disconnected the call and began going from window to window trying to ascertain how many people were in the house. The Captain was the only other person he could see from the outside. Deciding that the element of surprise was in his favor, he quietly picked the lock on the back door and silently headed to the front living room.

 

Captain Lestrange was pacing back and forth with a disturbed look on his face, every now and then casting a glance down at the man on the floor.

 

Tony couldn’t see a weapon but wasn’t going to take any chances. He edged as close to the living room entrance as he dared, fearing that getting any closer, he would be noticed. Tony took stock of the room and looked for anything that could be used as a weapon. 

 

Walking into the living room his gun pulled and aimed at the Captain, he intoned “Captain Lestrange NCIS. I need you to lie on the floor and lace your fingers behind your head.”

 

The captain turned to Tony. “Why?”

 

“Do it NOW.” Tony’s eyes never left the Captain as he watched every move the man made.

 

“Fine. This is all a mistake. I haven’t done anything wrong.” He lowered his body to the ground slowly and placed his hands behind his head as directed.

 

Tony quickly cuffed him and searched for weapons. Finding a Glock in his pants pocket he snarked, “Funny; this is the same type of gun that killed Petty Officer Jacobs. Still want to tell me you’ve done nothing wrong?” Walking over to Gibbs while keeping his gun trained on Lestrange, he bent down and felt for a pulse. Relief flooded him as he felt a slow but steady pulse beneath his finger tips. ‘Thank God’ Tony whispered. He heard the screech of tires and knew that Ziva and McGee had arrived; the ambulance couldn’t be too far behind.

 

McGee and Ziva walked in with their guns drawn and saw Tony with his gun trained on the Captain and one hand on Gibbs.

 

“What happened?”

 

“Don’t know what happened with Gibbs, he’s been unconscious since I arrived.” Gesturing to the man on the floor, “He’s cuffed, that Glock on the coffee table I took out of his pocket. Haven’t searched the inside of the house, only did a perimeter before I entered after I noticed Gibbs on the floor.” 

 

“Call for a car to take the Captain to lock up. Start a search of the house and process the scene. Don’t know if he’s involved with the missing child, but until we know different, we need to believe that he is. Get the gun to Abby and see if she can match it to the bullet that killed Petty Officer Jacobs.”

 

McGee nodded. “You going to ride with Gibbs?”

 

“Yes. Need to make sure he is going to be all right and when he wakes up, take his statement.” Turning to talk to Ziva, he saw she on her phone calling for a car and help with the scene. Hearing the sirens, they all breathed a sigh of relief. The EMT personnel quickly came in and began to assess Gibbs’ condition. 

 

“Do you know who he is?”

 

“He’s Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs from NCIS. I’m Agent DiNozzo.” Tony watched his green eyes filled with worry. “How is he?” He whispered.

 

“Don’t see any wound other than the one at his temple. Pulse is strong as is his heartbeat. That’s about all I can tell you until we get a CAT scan. Do you know who his medical proxy is?”

 

“I am.” Tony answered. “I’ll be riding along.”

 

“Alright. Let’s get him loaded up.”

 

Tony handed his keys to McGee before climbing into the ambulance.

 

NCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCIS

Tony sat in the hard plastic chair waiting for word on Gibbs. He hadn’t regained consciousness yet, at least as of the last time he saw him when he was being wheeled away for tests. But now he was stuck in a chair lost in his own thoughts; thoughts he wasn’t ready to examine.

 

Seeing Gibbs lying on the floor, not knowing whether he was alive or dead caused a lot of things that he had buried to surface. He wasn’t ready to face them or share them but sometimes it didn’t matter; time waited for no one. They weren’t thoughts that he wanted, well not about his hetero boss anyway. He wasn’t ready to share all parts of his life with everyone.

 

He wasn’t ashamed, but being in law enforcement, he had seen what being to open with your sexuality could do. Times were changing, but change didn’t happen overnight. Abby knew he was bi- but only because she caught him out on a date. She understood his need to keep things private and never spoke of it.

 

He was nowhere near ready to admit his attraction to Gibbs. Not in this lifetime. He valued his life. But he wasn’t certain he could keep it buried anymore. The sight of Gibbs on the floor was a huge reality check and he knew he was more than just attracted to the man, he had fallen for him. This did not bode well.

 

Hearing the door open he spotted Gibbs being wheeled down the hall. He stood and moved towards them, wanting to see the man and hopefully ease some worry. The nurse seeing quickly filled him in.

 

“Agent DiNozzo, the doctor will be in to see you both as soon as he reads the results. He is in the process of looking at them right now. Agent Gibbs did regain consciousness briefly during his CAT scan and was able to answer several questions correctly. He will be admitted and you of course will be able to stay.”

 

“Thank you.” By the time she had finished filling Tony in Gibbs had been set up in the room and was sleeping. Tony pulled up a chair and sat by the bed.

 

“Damn you Gibbs. What the hell were you thinking? Why can’t you follow your own damn rules? Do you have any idea what I felt when I looked in the window and saw you lying on the floor? You didn’t look like you were moving and I didn’t know if you were dead or alive.” Tony ran his hands through his hair in nervous agitation. Standing up, he began to pace as the thoughts raced through his head.

 

“All the things I didn’t want to think about, all the things I had never planned to say are all in the forefront of my mind. How the hell am I supposed to hold this in and ignore it? I’m so tired; tired of fighting it, tired of pretending that I’m not attracted to you and so fucking tired of hiding who I am.”

 

“Yes, that is my fault so don’t think that I am blaming anyone but me but that doesn’t make me less tired. And it sure as hell doesn’t give me a magical way to put the damn genie back in the bottle.” Tony sat back down in the chair his elbows on his knees and placed his head in his hands. The worry, frustration, and overall anxiety were catching up with him. 

 

He had no idea how long he sat like that when he felt a hand on his head. Startled he looked up into very lucid clear blue eyes. 

 

“Don’t even think about running Tony. Just get that thought right out of your head.”

 

Shit. How much had Gibbs heard?

 

“All of it Tony.”

 

“How the hell do you do that? And for the records it’s damn irritating.”

 

“Stop trying to change the subject.”

 

“What do you want from me Boss? I can’t and won’t take it back. Question is what do you want me to do about it?”

 

“Be lying if I said I wasn’t surprised.”

 

“Understand that.”

 

“But I would also be lying if I said that I wasn’t interested. Maybe there are things about both of us that we kept hidden.” Gibbs took a deep breath. “I would like us to explore this; it seems to be something that we have both thought about. We could take it slow and see where it goes.”

 

“What about rule 12?”

 

“There was a time that was needed; maybe it’s time to reevaluate.”

 

“Friends?”

 

“Keep it between us for now, not ready to tell the world.”

 

“For now. But if we make a go of this at some point I don’t want to hide it.”

 

“Ok…at some point in the future.” Tony smiled.

 

“So are we dating now Boss?”

 

“Jethro and yes.”

 

***End Flashback***

Tony sighed as the memory washed over him. That was just over two years ago. And it was time, time for those that mattered to share in their lives. He was tired of lying, hiding, and pretending that he had no one. And as much as he loved the man and God knew he did, he just couldn’t do this anymore.

 

He held on to the hope that maybe, just maybe, this time Jethro agree with him and he could continue his life with the man he loved, because this time, for better or worse, he wasn’t backing down.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many thanks to my awesome Beta Amy! For all her hard work as well as the bunny this came from!

Tony looked at his watch and sighed. In about twenty minutes, Jethro would walk through that door. He sensed that the older man knew what was coming; he had begged off the past two nights citing working on the boat and talking to his dad. And when you combined that with the slight under current of tension between the two of them it was hard to believe otherwise. They rarely spent the night together, but didn’t often go without at least eating together or connecting in some way. 

 

That did not bode well for the conversation that he wanted to have with the older man. He just couldn’t see why Jethro was so against sharing their lives with their friends. He wasn’t asking the man to shout it from the rooftops or rent a billboard.

 

Being alone the past two nights, he had steeled his resolve during his tossing and turning. He still had doubts about one thing; whether or not he would be able to remain with NCIS. He knew they could maintain a professional relationship, hell they had been together for over two years and no one had a clue. But would he be able to let go, move on or even simply live being in that close proximity with Jethro every day in just a professional capacity? He honestly didn’t know; there was no easy answer for that one. He’d just have to wait, see, and hope for the best. Funny, that was all Tony felt like he did lately. 

 

Hearing Jethro’s car pull in the lot, he sent a prayer to the heavens.

 

NCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCIS

 

Gibbs pulled in the lot and sighed. He was determined not to let the deep worry that had settled over him spoil his evening with Tony. They didn’t have enough of them as it was. Walking in the door, he toed his shoes off and called out a greeting.

 

“Tony. If you’re not careful, all the neighbors are going to invite themselves over for dinner. I can smell it outside.”

 

Poking his head out of the kitchen the younger man smiled. “Not feeding them all Jet.”

 

Smiling he walked over to his lover and dropped a kiss on his lips. “Missed you Tony.”

 

“Missed you too Jet. We could do this more often, spend the night together during the week.” Tony’s green eyes filled with hope.

 

Jethro shook his head no. “Too dangerous. Someone would catch on. People come by my house all the time unannounced.”

 

Smiling sadly Tony walked back to the stove knowing in his heart how the evening would turn out. “Dinner in ten. Go get comfortable.”

 

Jethro saw the droop in Tony’s shoulders and heard the dejection in his voice. He wanted to comfort the man, hold him and tell him how much he was loved, but he sensed that right now it wouldn’t be welcomed or enough.

 

What Tony wanted was just not something he could do. He wouldn’t risk their careers or any type of censure or discrimination; he was too old to deal with it. He didn’t understand why it wasn’t enough for Tony to know that he loved him.

 

He showed him, he talked and shared more with Tony than any of his ex-wives, but coming out was not something he could do. He just had to make the younger man see that. Softly leaving the kitchen, he went to the couch and sat down hoping that Tony did not intend to bring the subject up tonight.

 

Tony walked out with a beer and a plate handing them to the older man. “Thanks. I would have helped.”

 

Smiling he leaned down and placed a gentle kiss on Jethro’s lips. “No worries. Be right back. Do you need anything else?”

 

“No.” He looked down at his plate. “Looks really good Tone. What did you stuff the shells with?”

 

“Shrimp, cheese, spinach and portabella mushrooms. Mangia, mangia.”

 

Jethro watched Tony’s ass as he walked back to the kitchen before he turned to back to his plate and took a bite. The man could cook that was for sure, guess he would just add that to his other talents.

 

Jethro kept waiting for the usual chatter that Tony kept up during dinner, it was their time to reconnect and catch up. But tonight he was met with silence and Tony pushed what little food he had on his plate around. He wanted to ask the younger man what was bothering him but was afraid to hear his answer.

 

“Tony?”

 

Blowing out a sigh Tony turned and looked at Jethro. “Am I enough for you?”

 

He gave the younger man a puzzled look before answering. “Of course you are.”

 

Tony looked down at his hands, “It doesn’t feel like it. Feels more like I am not at all what you want.”

 

“Why the hell would you say that Tony? Have I ever made you feel that way?”

 

“Yes.”

 

The word felt like a punch to the gut. He looked at Tony, “How? You know that I love you.”

 

“I do know that.” He held his hands up to stop Jethro from interrupting. “And I love you more than you can imagine…but I need more. I need to be able to share my joy, my happiness. I want to have our friends over like any normal couple and laugh at stories we share. I want us to go out together…do something outside of the house.”

 

“Ton-“

 

“No! No excuses this time.” Tony jumped up off the couch in agitation and began to pace. “I am not asking you to fly a God damned rainbow flag, or hold my hand where people might see. I know that is not your thing. You’re private I get it. But our friends Jethro-“, He took a deep breath. “Why can’t they know? Why can’t they be brought into our world? You can’t tell me you believe that they wouldn’t be supportive or that they would look at us differently.” Tony stopped and looked at Jethro. His love and conviction and all the emotions he held deep in his heart showed through his eyes as he begged for understanding, needing the older man to grasp how important this was.

 

A mix of emotions flowed through the older man’s body, he did understand where Tony was coming from, but he couldn’t do it. They would be risking their careers, their reputations and he couldn’t do that. He didn’t really want to share; he liked living in their bubble where nothing could hurt them.

 

Tony looked at the older man and shook his head sadly. “You’re wrong.”

 

Snapping his head up, he glared at the younger man. “You don’t know what I was thinking.”

 

“No, not exactly, but I can guess that it ran the gamut of our careers, your private life and your belief that we are safe from being hurt if we stay anonymous.”

 

Crossing his arms over his chest Jethro looked at Tony, “So you see my point.”

 

“No. Like I said, you’re wrong. You’re hurting us.”

 

Jethro looked at Tony aghast. “How?”

 

“Because you have single handedly made me feel like I am nothing, not enough and that you’re ashamed of me. That sharing a small part of ourselves with the people we call friends and family would be a crime.”

 

“But that’s not how I feel Tony.” Gibbs forced the words through clenched teeth.

 

Tony lifted his eyes to meet his, “You taught me that actions speak louder than words”. He took a step to stand in front of the older man, their faces only separated by inches. 

 

Jethro looked into the face of the man he loved; his emotions were waging an all out war with his brain. He just couldn’t do it, he couldn’t be that open. How could he make the man understand that? He could feel Tony slipping away though they were inches apart. He couldn’t let that happen.

 

“Tony…”

 

The weight of that one word shattered his world. 

 

“I get it.” Tony whispered. “I do, but it’s not enough anymore Jethro. I need more, to be valued.”

 

“But-“ 

 

Tony shook his head. “You need to go please.”

 

He walked toward the door and then turned and looked at the younger man. In those green eyes, he saw resignation and acceptance. He felt the pain radiating off the other man and struggled to stand under the weight of it. He had caused it and was unable to fix it. 

 

“Can I-“

 

“I’ll be at work Boss.”

 

He looked at the younger man silently pleading for him not to end what they had, yet felt powerless to stop it. He wanted to beg for more time, for more…anything.

 

“Please Tony.”

 

Tony opened the front door, leaned down, and placed a gentle kiss on the older man’s lips. 

 

Stepping out into the hallway Jethro turned to look at Tony and heard the whispered ‘Goodbye’ as the door closed.


	3. 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Much love...lots of hugs and many thanks to my Beta Amy!

Gibbs stared at the door unable to move; afraid if he did that would make everything that just happened real. Right now, he wanted it to be anything but real. He wanted to go back in there, kiss Tony senseless, and forget that this ever happened. But this was real; he was outside of the one place that he wanted to be in. 

 

He was alone.

 

NCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCIS

Tony couldn’t remove his hand from the door knob, every fiber of his being was begging him to open the door, pull Jethro to him, and forget about his needs. The struggle to leave the door closed was coming at a cost and he felt his knees grow weak. He moved slightly and leaned against the wall before his knees gave out and he slid down to the floor.

 

He knew when he made his decision it was not going to be a walk in the park. It had to be done, there was really was no other option. Banging the back of his head against the wall lightly he sighed. Life fucking sucked.

 

He stood up, looked around the living room at the dishes, and debated whether to clean up or just crawl in bed and forget the night ever happened. Though the latter sounded like heaven it was not what he was going to do. He was going to get his ass in gear, do the damn dishes, and pretend that he was all right, even if it was just for the moment. Tomorrow was far enough away that he could do that and then just play the rest by ear.

 

NCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCIS

Tony made his way to the Navy yard after a night of tossing and turning, giving new meaning to the term sleep walking. He was tired as hell, felt like shit, and all but looked like crap. Looking around, he parked and was relieved that he was alone. He really needed to get his game face on before the troops arrived.

 

He wasn’t sure whether to hope for a case or not; a case would give him very little time to dwell on his life and the empty hole in his chest, but a case would also mean his brain would need to fire on all cylinders and there seemed very little chance of that happening. Either way he just needed to get through the day and hope for a better night’s sleep, though he really didn’t see that happening anytime in the near future. He was just going to have to learn to make do. 

 

How he was going to work with the man, see him every day and know that there would never be another shared touch between them was a whole other scenario.

 

Tony sat down in his chair, elbows on his desk and rested his head in his hands. How the hell was he supposed to do this? 

 

NCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCIS

 

Gibbs walked in, spotting Tony at his desk with his head in his hands and looking miserable. He couldn’t help finding solace in the fact that the younger man looked like shit. This wasn’t easy on him either. They were both miserable and now alone. Was it wrong to hope that worked in his favor and the younger man would change his mind?

 

He half hoped they had no new case today; he was not really up to it and neither was Tony. Sneaking a glance at the younger man, he sighed inwardly. He may look like shit, but Tony looked worse, the air around the younger man even hurt. Gibbs felt like he’d been punched in the gut as the full truth flowed through him.

 

He caused that, no one else, and he was unprepared for what that would do to him. He knew what Tony wanted and God help him, he wished that he could give that to him, but he couldn’t. Maybe if he gave him enough space and time absence would make the heart grow fonder. Cliché yes, but it was an expression for a reason. And it was the only hope he had.

 

NCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCIS

 

Hearing his phone ring Gibbs growled.

 

“Gibbs.”

 

“Got it.”

 

“Gear up. Dead Petty officer in DuPont circle.” The rustle of gear being grabbed and feet shuffling on the floor as all four of them headed to the elevator was all that could be heard.

 

The drive was silent and though Gibbs could understand Tony’s and his silence, he found McGee’s and Ziva’s puzzling but he simply didn’t have the strength to look into it.

 

Pulling up to the scene, they all exited the car and readied to deal with the scene ahead. 

 

“DiNozzo - sketch, Ziva - pictures and McGee - interviews.” Gibbs charged off to find the current LEO in charge.

 

Tony looked at the scene, took out his sketchbook, and began working. Ziva moved around him taking pictures.

 

“Tony, look here.” Ziva pointed down showing him a footprint.

 

“Think we could get lucky enough for that to be the murderer’s?”

 

Ziva shrugged. “We can hope so.” Looking over Tony’s shoulder. “Ducky is here.”

 

“Good. There is so much blood I can’t see where the wounds are to even guess what happened.”

 

“There is so much blood. There is only one body, yes?”

 

‘The only one I see Ziva.”

 

Ducky walked up to Tony and Ziva. “There is a great deal of blood Ziva, but I dare say not too much for one young man. Appearances are deceiving.”

 

Gibbs walked up to Ducky. “Time of death, Duck?”

 

“I may speak to the dead Jethro, but I am not omnipotent and need a few moments with the body before I can give you that information.”

 

“I can wait. He’s not going anywhere.”

 

Ducky pulled out the liver probe and gently eased it in the body. After a moment Ducky looked up at Jethro, “TOD would be between 2am and 4am. And before you ask Jethro, I do not yet know what caused this young man’s demise.”

 

Tony looked at Ducky. “Ziva and I are done with him so feel free to explore.”

 

McGee walked over. “Boss, the older gentlemen stumbled across the body as he was cleaning up the garbage from the club.” Looking down at his notes, “The manager of the club ‘Madhatter’, Eric Heidenberger said that David, the Petty Officer was pretty regular. Never caused any trouble, kept to himself and more often than not came alone and left alone.”

 

“What type of clientele frequents the bar McGee?”

 

“Mixed bag. Runs the gamut from business men, homemakers to sports fanatics. They have all sorts of events weekly Boss, brings a varied crowd. Karaoke one night and Trivia another. It attracts people from all walks of life.”

 

Tony looked at the group. “I’ve been in there, it’s a fun place. Trivia night is always a blast. Give me enough to drink and I’ll Karaoke my ass off. McGee’s right Boss, everyone goes there because it’s fun. The few times I’ve been I never noticed any tensions. Everyone laughed and had a good time.” Narrowing his eyes a bit, “No reason to assume that this is a hate crime.”

 

“No reason to assume that it’s not DiNozzo.” He didn’t like where his mind was going and Gibbs knew that if he didn’t stop it, the rift between himself and Tony was going to grow. “Wrap it up”, he growled and walked away.

 

Ziva and McGee looked at Tony who merely shrugged. “You know how he gets.”

 

“True. He just seems different.”

 

Tony turned away rather than bother hiding the emotions that were too new and raw to be hidden. He knew what Gibbs was thinking and struggling with and as far as he was concerned, it wasn’t going to fly. There was no way in hell that Tony was going to let him get away with it.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many heartfelt thanks to my most awesome Beta Amy! Love her! And I appreciate all her hard work!

Tony was silent all the way back to the Navy Yard having decided that he might say something worth regretting.  He knew it was only a matter of time before Gibbs cornered him and tried to use his skewed logic to make his point.  He really didn’t feel like having that conversation anytime soon; he was on shaky ground as it was.

 

 

He never assumed that Gibbs would just quietly disappear without a word and as much has he wanted him to, he also didn’t want Gibbs to try and make him see his point of view or change his mind; he needed some recovery time.  He was barely holding it together and honestly wasn’t sure how a confrontation with Gibbs would play out.  How was he supposed to ignore the overwhelming pull of the blue eyed man when all he wanted to do was fall into his arms?  He was relieved when they pulled into the Navy Yard knowing they were going to be too wrapped up in the case for any kind of personal argument, but he also knew that he was on borrowed time.

 

 

**NCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCIS**

Gibbs gruffly shouted orders when they exited the elevator.  “Ziva, get that evidence down to Abby then start on alibis.  McGee, backgrounds on the club owner and victim and DiNozzo see if there are any connections between the people that were in the club and our victim.”  He growled out the last order as he headed for the stairs.

 

 

Tony quickly buried his head in his notes hoping to prevent McGee and Ziva from asking about Gibbs’ attitude; however, he wasn’t that lucky.

 

 

“Tony, do you know what is wrong with Gibbs?”  McGee shot at Tony as he powered up his own computer.

 

 

“No McGoober, I don’t.  Maybe it’s just the murder of a Marine?” trying to be as sarcastic as possible.

 

 

Ziva shook her head.  “No, I do not believe it is just that.  He is disturbed about the dead Petty Officer, but there is something else that is biting at him.”

 

 

“Eating at him.”  Tony corrected.

 

 

“Do you not bite to eat?”  Ziva waved her hand to show it was of no consequence.  “I am concerned.”

 

 

Tony sighed.  “Even if there was something bothering him do you think it would be wise to confront him?”

 

 

McGee nodded.  “Tony does have a point.  Maybe we should just wait and keep an eye on him from a distance.”

 

 

“I do not like that idea, but since you both agree, I will leave it alone for now.”  Ziva narrowed her eyes at both of them.

 

 

“Fine Zeeevaah, now get busy before the Boss gets back and we make it worse.”  Tony looked at both McGee and Ziva before he continued looking for a connection.  Unfortunately, he had no idea what the connection could be.  The Petty Officer may have been a regular at the Madhatter but according to everyone they talked to, he never caused a fuss and was quiet.  No one ever saw him leave with anyone.  He could have met with someone later, elsewhere, but it didn’t seem likely.  So Tony began to dig deeper into the club, feeling the connection might lay there. 

 

 

The club manager had a couple of skirmishes with the law when he was younger, but nothing that made Tony sit up and take notice.  The club itself hadn’t had anything more than a few drunk and disorderly calls according to police reports.  He had to be missing something, unless the Petty Officer really was at the wrong place at the wrong time.

 

 

He pulled everything he had discovered so far into an organized chaos and reexamined the sketches he had made from the crime scene trying to get a feel for what may have occurred.  Just as he was getting ready to go see if Ducky had found the cause of death, Gibbs walked back into the bullpen.

 

 

“Ducky found ten stab wounds.  Two at arteries which accounts for the blood and bruising around the groin area.  Before you ask, there was no evidence of penetration only bruising.  What did you three find?”

 

 

Tim stood as he talked.  “Financials look clean no transactions in or out raise any flags.  The owner ran a sports bar in Texas before moving to DC to help a friend.  He opened the Madhatter and it became a success.”

 

 

“The friend, McGee?”  Gibbs looked at the screen where McGee pulled up the picture.

 

 

“Dirk Sanchez; born in HoustonTexas and met Lester Simmons in grade school.  Became fast friends and stayed that way through college and years after.  Dirk moved to DC with his boyfriend Alex ten years ago.  Alex was killed in a car accident five years ago and then two years later he was diagnosed with advanced lung cancer and began seeking treatment.”

 

 

“Apparently when he was diagnosed, Lester, who had never married, immediately came to DC to help Dirk in any way he could.  There were rumors and speculation that Lester was gay and in love with Dirk but nothing every proven.  Could be they were just good friends but either way Lester opened the club and continued helping Dirk until the day he died.”

 

 

“Doesn’t seem likely he had anything to do with this.  Anything on our vic?”

 

 

“Military records show he was above average and well liked.  No infractions or complaints.”

 

 

Gibbs glared at his three agents.  “So you found nothing?”

 

 

Ziva shook her head.  “Nearly finished the alibis and they’ve all checked out.”

 

 

“DiNozzo!”  Gibbs growled.

 

 

Tony placed what he’d found so far up on the screen.  “Club has never had a problem, only a couple of drunk and disorderly calls.  Eric, the manager had a couple of skirmishes when he was younger but nothing of a violent nature.  Still trying to find a reason why the Petty Officer made that his haunt.  Was there something that he was drawn to?  Still looking Boss.”

 

 

“Find me something.”

 

 

“On it Boss.”

 

 

“Yes Boss.”

 

 

“Yes Gibbs.”

 

 

Gibbs watched as they hurried back to their desks.  This had to be a hate crime; owner possibly gay, club clientele a mix, bruising in the groin and location of assault.  DuPont circle was a known for eclectic people and clubs.

 

 

He glanced at Tony.  This was why they couldn’t come out to their friends, it wasn’t safe.  He had rules about secrets for a reason.  This case would help him convince Tony that he was right.  It had to; there was no other option.  It wasn’t lost on him that he was hoping for a hate crime.

 

 

So far, the facts supported his theory and if he could use it to his advantage, he would.  There would be time for self-recriminations later but his life was at stake right now and he needed every bit of evidence to point in that direction to make his case.

 

 

Sighing internally, he went back to work, determined that this case would work in his favor but he also knew he had to tread carefully.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do so love my Beta Amy! Many thanks go to her, for all her hard work!

For two days, they worked on the case following Gibbs’ theory that it was a hate crime against gay males, and still they were no closer to solving it. Every lead they followed at Gibbs’ direction was a dead end. They could find nothing.

 

Ziva, McGee, and Tony all had tried to reason with him and get him to look at the possibility that it wasn’t; that it was a wrong time, wrong place crime and that was why they couldn’t find a connection no matter where they looked. However, there was no reasoning with the man. 

 

Tim and Ziva had resorted to silence rather than risk his wrath regardless of what they believed. They continued to search and continued to come up empty. The longer it remained unsolved the more irritated and irrational Gibbs became. Neither could understand his fixation on it being a hate crime, they agreed with Tony that nothing led in that direction. 

 

Tony was at the end of his rope, the tension was unbearable and weighing heavily on his already tenuous sanity. He had never seen Gibbs so closed minded and not at least entertain other theories. 

 

The only solution to the madness was solving the case and in that regard, he was damned if he did and damned if he didn’t. Either way he was going to lose, he knew that, he felt it. If Gibbs was right, it would solve nothing and if Tony was right it would have no impact on Gibbs’ beliefs that they needed privacy and seclusion. As far as Tony was concerned, it didn’t change a damn thing. Neither of those things were enough for him anymore.

 

Gibbs looked over at Tony as he poured over reports, interviews, and sketches trying to piece together the puzzle. Having absolutely no leads or sound theories was starting to take a toll on them. He was trying to keep his temper in check but it was becoming increasingly difficult. What he wanted was to solve this case, show Tony he was wrong and convince him that they could have what they had. He wanted and needed that to happen. 

 

He needed to clear his head, calm down before he blew it all to hell. He got up and walked towards the elevator. “Going for coffee. Find me something.” He was not surprised at the silence in response.

 

NCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCIS

 

Tony read over the witness statements for the hundredth time and finally saw something. 

 

“Probie. In your interview with Jim Thompson, it states that he was playing pool with a woman named Deborah Ray, but I don’t see a statement from her. Do you have it?”

 

Tim scoured his papers and shook his head. “I don’t remember interviewing her.” He looked over at Ziva. “Ziva, was she one of yours?”

 

“I had four women but none named Deborah. Perhaps Mr. Thompson had her name wrong?”

 

Tony nodded. “Possible but we need to look into it. Do we have the security tapes from inside the bar?” Tony looked at McGee and ZIva.

 

Tim nodded as he threw it up on the plasma. “Ziva and I can compare patrons with interviews and see if they match.”

 

“Do it. I’ll run a check in case that was her real name.” Tony turned to his computer and began to search databases but wasn’t surprised when nothing came up. Not to be deterred, he tried variations of the name she gave Mr. Thompson on the off chance she kept it close to her real name.

 

He lost track of time running every name he could come up with through their systems. Suddenly sitting straighter, he had an epiphany. Maybe she didn’t use the American version. If she was from another country or at the very least, her parents were, the spelling may be different. 

 

Plugging in names of other nations, he was surprised and relieved when he got a hit. Devora Reyez. Studying the information, he came up with a theory, but needed to see if in fact she was at the bar that night.

 

Tony was poised to ask Ziva and McGee if they had found the missing woman when Gibbs appeared back in the bullpen.

 

“Anything?” He barked as he made his way to his desk.

 

Tony looked up. “May have a woman who was at the bar that we missed interviewing. Checking into it now.” Tony nodded at Ziva and McGee.

 

Narrowing his eyes Gibbs turned on Tony. “How did you miss interviewing her?”

 

Tony stood up and moved over to Gibbs desk. “I didn’t miss interviewing her, I didn’t do interviews.”

 

Gibbs stood up and moved in front of the younger man. “You’re my SFA. Doesn’t matter. You should have caught it. No excuse.”

 

“Not making an excuse. We found it and we’re checking into it. I was simply stating a fact. Considering that you’ve shot down every theory that didn’t make this a hate crime, it’s no wonder we missed a woman.”

 

“Don’t push it DiNozzo.”

 

McGee and Ziva looked back and forth at the two men shocked by their attitude towards one another. Wanting to defuse the situation McGee interrupted them.

 

“Boss, Tony, we have a woman that doesn’t match with our interviews…we missed her.”

 

Gibbs kept his eyes on Tony. “Find her.”

 

“McGee can you put her face on the screen?”

 

Tim cleaned up the image as much as he could and sent it to the screen. “Here you go Tony.”

 

Tony looked at the picture and moved closer to study it. Three pairs of eyes were turned on him watching and waiting.

 

“Well?” Gibbs snarked.

 

“Her name is Devora Reyez. Age 26, husband was killed while stationed in Iraq fourteen months ago.” Grabbing the remote and he placed the information on the screen. “She was in a car accident just over a year ago, was six months pregnant, and lost the baby. No charges were filed - it was an accident. Pouring rain, Dave Santos, 22, lost control and they collided. The air bag caused the damage to Devora and her baby and Santos was killed instantly. According to her medical records she hemorrhaged so badly they had to perform an emergency hysterectomy.”

 

“She didn’t handle it well and is seeing a therapist and taking meds. Already had one altercation where she started assaulting a young man accusing him of killing her baby. The crowd held the young man not knowing the story thinking they had apprehended a bad guy and called the police.”

 

Tony pulled up a pic of the original young man killed in the car crash, her first assault victim, and the murdered Petty Officer and placed them side by side. The superficial resemblance between them was clear.

 

“We need to bring her in for questioning. This is too much of a coincidence.” Tony looked at Gibbs knowing there was a war going on in his head.

 

Jaw clenched Gibbs looked at McGee. “You, Ziver go pick her up for questioning.” His eyes never left the two departing agents until the elevator doors closed. He moved in front of Tony.

 

“This is a wild goose chase”, his jaw clenched as he spoke. 

 

Tony shook his head. “The hell it is. You just don’t want to see it. You want to hang on to the notion that this is a hate crime. You think I don’t see that? What?” Tony’s green eyes bored into Gibbs’ blue. “You want to use it, you NEED for it to be a hate crime so you can persuade me to believe what I want is wrong and this would be the perfect way to prove it.”

 

“You damn near made it impossible for us to look for anything other than a gay basher. I have news for you Gibbs. It wouldn’t have made a difference. Our lives are dangerous; walking out the door any one of us could get killed. I choose not to live my life that way. And you forget I didn’t want to present us to the world…just friends.”

 

“Did you even listen to what I said? Because it sure as hell doesn’t seem like it especially after how you’ve been acting.” Tony sighed and his eyes held a sadness that Gibbs had never seen before. “I can’t do this…it hurts too much. You clearly can’t or won’t even think about a compromise so all I can believe is that when you told me you loved me, you lied.”

 

Gibbs wanted to open his mouth and scream that it wasn’t true but Tony held his hand up and shook his head.

 

“Maybe not intentionally or maybe you believed that you did. But all you have shown me these past few days is that you would rather find a way to prove me wrong and make sure that I understand that you were right. That in order to be together we have to hide and continue to pretend we’re nothing.”

 

Tony grabbed his pack and looked at Gibbs as he left the bullpen. “That’s not love Jethro, at least not how I want it.”


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many...many...many thanks to my most awesome Beta Amy!

Jethro stood in shock as Tony’s words washed over him. He had thought by actually vocalizing his emotion, he had made it clear that he loved Tony more than anything, but if you took the words away there was nothing. He had always said that he was a man of action and in that regard, he had failed. There had been nothing tangible outside of the privacy of their home and clearly, that had not been enough to show Tony that he was loved.

 

Sex, dinners and conversations in the dark only between the 2 of them was what he had offered Tony. He knew better than that; he had closed Tony off from everything and everyone. It was no wonder that he had finally reached his breaking point. He did love Tony…he meant that from the depths of his soul. His heart screamed for him to follow Tony and not let him go. But he couldn’t move, cemented to the spot staring at the empty space where Tony once stood.

 

Shaking out of his frozen state, he made his way to his desk and sat down, suddenly feeling very cold and alone. All he had now was an empty house devoid of life, love, and laughter and he knew was the sole reason. He had chased Tony away because he was a stubborn bastard. He had fucked up the one thing that made his heart beat and gave him reason to breathe. For the first time since Tony had closed his door on him, he felt like this was in fact the end and it was all on him.

 

He hadn’t even thought of compromising. He was too busy trying to have it all his way; he never gave what the younger man wanted any consideration at all. Tony was right he had not even tried.

 

NCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCIS

 

Tony made it to his car and fell into his seat. He didn’t know what the hell he was doing. They were in the middle of a case; he couldn’t just walk out, but he couldn’t stay either. He hadn’t been kidding when he said that he couldn’t do it anymore. He had thought they could, and wanted them to be able to work together. He knew it wouldn’t be easy but he hoped maybe they might work their way back to the friendship they had always shared.

 

He was having a hard time believing that right now but he was going to have to figure it out and soon. His heart was in shards, scattered all over. He had no idea how he could reconcile the situation when the one thing he wanted was the one thing he couldn’t have. 

 

He was struggling with the overwhelming desire to simply re-bury his wants and needs deeper than before and fall back in Jethro’s arms, where he longed to be. Maybe he was asking for more than he should…maybe he could settle for less in order to have the man that he needed, desired and loved.

 

No, he couldn’t and wouldn’t settle for less. There wasn’t anything wrong with what he asked for and needed. Taking a few deep breaths, he started the car and headed for home. He needed some distance to clear his head.

 

NCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCIS

 

Tony sat on his couch in the dark, the hours slipped away from him. He ignored his phone, refusing to answer. He solved the case, they only had to interview the suspect and confirm what he had found. They could do that, he simply wasn’t up to it, to dealing with Jethro.

 

He looked at the display and saw Abby had called again. It didn’t matter; he didn’t feel like putting up with her ranting. She may mean well but sometimes it was just too much.

 

He needed time; time to think, regroup, and make some decisions. Though the case may not have precipitated the confrontation, there was no way to guarantee they wouldn’t have had one over something entirely different. Hell there was no guarantee that he would be able to find a balance in order for them to be able to work together. But it sure as hell put a glaring spot light on some issues.

 

He never expected Jethro would so perversely twist a case so that it suited his own needs. Nor close his mind to any possibilities other than the outcome that he wanted, effectively silencing his needs. The case had nothing to do with the older man’s infamous gut but everything to do with self serving need.

 

Jethro couldn’t have bothered to consider that he might have been hurting just as much. That this was killing him too and it was only by his decision that they were both in such emotional turmoil. But Jethro was the only one who could change it and it didn’t seem likely. 

 

He was seriously beginning to doubt that he would be able to emerge from this whole. Every time he looked at the older man, it was like a knife in his heart and as much as he couldn’t imagine not being part of Jethro’s life in some way, he was equally being unable to fathom working with the man and never being able to touch him.

 

His fingers ached to reach out and caress the man, his heart sped up every time he was near; his lips longed to blaze a trail over every inch of his body. Even he knew that was no way to live. He would never be able to move away from the emptiness if he stayed close, but moving away seemed to be such a drastic step…this was his home as broken as it was. Rubbing his hand over his face, he felt completely drained; he had no fight left.

 

NCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCIS

 

Abby walked up to Tony’s door intent on finding out what the hell was going on. Gibbs looked so lost and was so quick to anger. But more than that, he just seemed so off when Tony didn’t come back. As far as she could see there was no reason for him not to return. He broke the case and by rights should have handled the interrogations…the whole thing was hinky. Tony never left before a case was finished.

 

She had tapped into the security cameras and rewound the footage. There was a heated discussion and both men had looked so devastated. She needed to sort this out and fix it. They were her family and since her Silver Fox wouldn’t talk, she was going to find Tony and get it out of him.

 

She knocked on the door determined not to take no for an answer.

 

“Come on Tony. I see your car, please let me in.” Abby heard the shuffling inside and kept knocking. “I’m not going away.” Hearing grumbling and more shuffling, the door opened and Tony poked his head out.

 

“Not in the mood Abby. I don’t feel like or want to talk.”

 

“Tony! Talk to me.”

 

“Nothing to say.” He started to shut the door but Abby pushed her way inside and sat down on the couch.

 

Tony was in no mood for this and was pissed. He was tired, in pain and needed to think. He didn’t want to deal with Abby and her pushing.

 

“Abby seriously, I don’t want to talk. You can’t fix everything and it’s none of your business.”

 

“We’re family Tony, we help one another, just tell me what is wrong.”

 

“I am really trying not to lose my temper here- I get that you mean well and while I appreciate the effort and know you care, I don’t want to talk to you. Now please leave.”

 

“No.”

 

“Yes, Abby. My home, my rules.”

 

“I’m staying until you talk to me.”

 

“I talked. You heard words, there is nothing more to say.”

 

“Tony-“

 

“Abby I don’t feel like discussing my personal business.”

 

“Since when? But it will help. I can help.”

 

Tony turned on her having reached his breaking point; tired of the secrets, the lies, hiding and the silence. Every bit of pain, anger, and desolation coated every word he spoke. “You can’t help me. There is nothing you can do short of making Jethro realize that it is ok to have a relationship. OK to love me in front of friends and family and not throw away the two years that we spent together. But since you can’t do that, there is absolutely nothing you can do. So please…give it up and leave me alone.” His breaths came out in jagged gasps.

 

Abby narrowed her eyes and looked at Tony in utter disbelief that he would concoct such a story and lie to her like that. “What the hell are you saying? Why lie to me like that? About Gibbs… Get over yourself. If you don’t want to tell me the truth ok…fine…I get it but you’ve gone too far.”

 

“I said it because it’s true. TWO years together. In a relationship and spent loving one another.”

 

Abby shook her head vehemently. “No Tony. Maybe this is some weird fantasy you have going on or maybe you hit your head. But I do know that Gibbs wouldn’t do that to you, to anyone he loves. He wouldn’t hide.”

 

“Have I ever lied to you?”

 

“No…but-“

 

“And I am not lying to you now. I wanted more; he couldn’t or wouldn’t give that to me. I ended it, I won’t be a secret.” Tony managed to speak through his clenched jaw.

 

Abby reached up and slapped Tony. “I don’t believe you. Gibbs would never.”

 

Tony placed his hand over his cheek and looked at Abby, his stare cold and empty as he made his decision.

 

“Get the fuck out of my house.” Tony walked to his door and opened it. Abby watched as shock over what she had done coursed through her. She looked at Tony wanting to apologize and make it right but was stopped by his icy glare.

 

“Tony …I…”

 

Tony shook his head. “Goodbye Abby.” He pushed her out the door and closed it after her, locking it.

 

He picked up his phone and dialed. 

 

“Sir, it’s Anthony DiNozzo, Tony. Is that job offer still open?”


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love my Beta Amy! She is awesome and I don't believe that I can thank her enough! She is rather amazing!

Tony hung up his phone and sat back on his couch in shock over what he had done. Yet, he felt better than he had in a very long time. 

 

The position that he had been offered and accepted was more than he would have ever dreamed possible. Honestly, he hadn’t expected that when he made the call, though sure, he had been offered the position several times. He really hadn’t wanted to try some of the other offers. The FBI would have put him too close to the issue, he didn’t trust the CIA, and though he loved being a cop, he wanted more.

 

This was the perfect opportunity for him and he grabbed onto it for dear life. The call had taken him on a few turns that he hadn’t expected. Director Morrow wanted all the facts as to why he had finally made the decision to leave NCIS and join Homeland Security.

 

Tony had considered bullshitting and coming up with a plausible excuse that would suffice, but he had been hit with the realization that he didn’t want to live that way anymore. He had no desire to continuing hiding under a happy façade, lies, and secrets. He didn’t want to start this new opportunity under the many layers of subterfuge he had been living with the past few years.

 

So he came clean and told Morrow everything. He truly had nothing to lose. But to say that it was freeing was an understatement of biblical proportions. He hadn’t realized or more truthfully, acknowledged the weight of all the secrets he carried. He had hidden his life and essentially sequestered himself away from everyone and everything.

 

Until he opened up to Morrow, he hadn’t really given much thought to the fact that he didn’t go anywhere, do anything or that he had lost track of most of his friends. It was hard to talk about what was going on in his life when everything he held dear had to remain in the dark.

 

For the first time in a long time, he felt comfortable in his own skin. He was owning who he was and taking charge of his life; what he wanted, and how he wanted to live it. There was no denying that he was shattered Jethro wasn’t a part of it but he couldn’t wait for what may never be.

 

Morrow said he would take care of informing Vance and deal with all aspects relating to his departure from NCIS. He needed Tony to attend a training class in California that was to start in two days. 

 

That left him with the decision of who to say goodbye to; Ducky and Jimmy were a given. And as much as he wanted to see and talk to Jethro and explain his reasons, he didn’t feel that he could. Honestly, he didn’t want any sort of confrontation to cloud the wonderful memories of their life together and he just didn’t see it going any way but south. He pictured the arguing, yelling, and knew there would be things said that were later regretted. Still, he couldn’t go without saying goodbye and try to make Jethro see that it was best for his own peace of mind and the only way his heart would survive.

 

A letter just seemed so wrong somehow, didn’t matter that it wasn’t a ‘Dear John’ letter, but it felt like it would be. But, it would be a way for him to get everything off his chest and have it make sense instead of tripping over the words. The last few days had shown Tony that the older man had closed off and effectively become blind, deaf, and dumb.

 

He wasn’t worried about McGee or Ziva and felt no overwhelming need to say goodbye to them. They had been growing further and further apart over the past few years and he knew exactly where he stood with them. They never believed he should have held the SFA position and that he was nothing more than a clown.

 

He had long ago stopped trying to get them to see his worth and based no true value on what they thought. He always had their backs in the field without hesitation, but sharing personal things, that was a whole other can of worms. If Jethro had agreed to opening up he wasn’t sure those two would have been a part of that…maybe, but now it didn’t matter.

 

Tony smiled as he imagined the look on both their faces when they were given the news that he had taken a senior position with Homeland Security. They felt his skills were inferior to theirs, so they simply never noticed them. But payback was a bitch and even though he couldn’t really consider it as such totally, the realization of all that he did would boggle their minds. 

 

He couldn’t decipher when that warm fuzzy family feeling faded, but it had and he was ok with that. He worked hard and his life with Jethro had filled part of that void. But he wanted more, still did and the path to attain what he needed was laid out. He wouldn’t have to hide his true self any longer now that Morrow knew everything. 

 

The man had already made the point that the rules that he had lived by with Gibbs were no longer in play. He would set the rules for his team based on what he needed from them and what they needed from him; that was something they would do together when they found their way.

 

Grabbing his phone, he sent Jimmy and Ducky both a text inviting them to dinner and was rewarded with acceptance from both of them. That solved, he would tell them over dinner and hope that their reactions were different from Abby’s. He never expected that from her; he had never lied to her and the fact that she thought he had, hurt tremendously. But that was something she was going to have to work out on her own.

 

Taking a deep breath, he pulled out his pen and grabbed the pad of paper he had used to write down the details Director Morrow had given him. Finding a clean sheet, he sat down to put his thoughts to paper.

 

An hour later Tony looked at the pile of wadded up paper on the coffee table sighing as he tried once again to put words to paper. This was not any easier than being face to face. But he was determined. There was no way in hell he was going to leave Jethro without explaining his decision.

 

Dear Jethro,

 

Don’t really know how to start this or how exactly to help you understand where I am coming from. I hadn’t planned on leaving NCIS or you for that matter, but as I have learned lately, you can’t always have what you want.

 

Simple fact is that I still want you, more than you can imagine or I could tell you. But I want so much more than just you, the person; I want an “us”. I understand your reservations and fears but that doesn’t change the fact that I want more than a half life with you. We could have had so much more.

 

I may be a greedy bastard, but I want it all and believe that it can be done. I know that you think that you’re right; that your way is the only way, and I am sorry Jethro. God knows that I love you and this separation between us is killing me. I want to touch you, hold you, and love you. I can’t tell you how many times I have had to stop myself from giving in and up and just fall back into you.

 

I can’t because as much as this is killing me, the hiding and secrecy was doing far more damage. I can’t remember the last time I went out to have a drink…met my Frat brothers…ate out in public or that you and I did more than share a bed. I’m not blaming you for all of that so don’t even think that, I let it happen and I accepted it.

 

Now comes the hard part. I am leaving NCIS. As much as I know that is the right thing for both of us, it is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. If I stayed, we would be pulled further apart; you would be determined to show me I was wrong and I would refuse, until the time when I couldn’t anymore and came back to you.

 

But then I would begin to disappear more than I have been these past two years and I don’t want that for me. I accept your decision and now you need to accept mine. I am leaving because I do love you, because I can’t look at you every day and not want you, because it hurts too much and because I have to let go to what I can’t have.

 

I didn’t want to tell you in a letter, but I couldn’t chance ruining the memories of us with a verbal confrontation. I wanted you to hear what I said and not what you want to hear me say. I can’t imagine not being by your side, not being on your six and not keeping you safe. Not going to be easy, but in the end I believe it’s what will be the best for both of us.

 

Promise me you won’t do anything stupid and that you will take care of yourself. No risking your life because you haven’t got me pulling you back from the edge. I’m not leaving DC so you may see me around. 

 

I have two years of memories with you that I never thought I would have, so I take those with me and hold them close. Let me keep those Jethro; don’t do something to take those away. I do love you, so don’t you ever believe otherwise.

 

Goodbye,

Tony

 

Tony folded the letter unaware of the tears that had fallen on the paper as he sealed the envelope.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many thanks go to my wonderful Beta Amy! For all her hard work and encouragement...much love and kudos!

Tony took a deep breath and opened the door to greet Jimmy and Ducky. He wished he was not as nervous as he was, but after Abby’s reaction, he just wasn’t sure anymore. “Hi. Thanks for coming over on such short notice. Come on in and have a seat.” Tony stood aside as they walked into the room. 

 

“Anthony I am always pleased to spend time with you, but I dare say I have a feeling that this is more than just a dinner with friends.”

 

“It’s a bit of both actually. I needed to talk to you both about some things that have come up…changes that are taking place. Dinner seemed a nice place to start.”

 

“You’re leaving NCIS aren’t you?” Jimmy’s eyes narrowed. “What happened? Ziva? All I know is that it had to be big to make you leave.”

 

Tony looked at Jimmy his mouth hanging open in surprise. “Whoa Jimmy, that is some fine investigative work. In fact you came close to getting it all right, though Ziva isn’t the issue.”

 

Ducky smiled sadly. “No, not Ziva. I do believe the villain in Tony’s story is in fact Jethro. But perhaps it would be better if we let Anthony tell his story.”

 

Tony sighed. “He’s not a villain Ducky, but he is part of the problem. I don’t know quite where to begin. I have had to keep so much secret I am a little lost in how to finally share it, especially when it’s not how I had hoped to be sharing it.”

 

“Anthony, you can tell it however you wish and whatever and however much you feel like sharing. We’re friends here and it will stay between us. No reason for you to carry this burden by yourself.”

 

Jimmy added, “That’s what friends are for Tony.”

 

Tony nodded, his decision made. “I called in a favor of sorts on a repeated job offer and cashed it in. I leave in two days to attend training in LA before returning to take my new position at Homeland Security.” Seeing the look of surprise Tony hastened to add. “I will be stationed in DC as head of the Investigative branch.”

 

“Wow! Tony, Homeland Security, that’s big. So soon though?” Jimmy asked.

 

“Immediate need and I have no reason to prolong my stay”. Tony swallowed hard. “Too difficult to pretend and I’m so tired of hiding.”

 

“You know that you never need hide amongst friends.”

 

“I know that Ducky, truly I do. The hiding was not my idea and not what I wanted.”

 

“Then perhaps it is time for you to unburden yourself. You don’t need to carry that with you. It is time for you to start fresh. Consider it a cleansing. I suggest you turn off the stove so we can chat. Dinner will wait. You, my dear boy, are far more important.”

 

“I agree with Dr. Mallard. Talk to us. If I can be of any help, I am right there.” Jimmy earnestly nodded noting the dark circles around Tony’s eyes.

 

“Maybe we had better have a drink for this.” Tony walked over to his liquor cabinet, pulled out the Macallan and three glasses. He brought them into the room, sitting down by Ducky and Jimmy. He had poured two fingers into the glasses and they each took one. 

 

“To friends.” Ducky added before they clinked their glasses and tossed down the amber liquid.

 

“Alright Anthony, the floor is yours.”

 

Tony looked down at his shoes as he spoke. He wasn’t sure if they would believe him after Abby’s tirade and he was ashamed that he had kept this from his friends. “I have been in a relationship for over two years that I have kept secret hoping that the other person would in time feel the secrecy was no longer necessary. That my lover would see that we didn’t need to keep our relationship in the dark and we could share it with our friends, however that didn’t happen.”

 

Tony let out a breath and looked up. His eyes were filled with sadness, shame, pain and desolation. “I need and want more. I don’t want to hide or feel like a dirty secret; that I’m not worth sharing with friends. I want a real relationship with time spent together outside of the self imposed cave.”

 

Tony smiled wistfully. “I want to share my life and have it all. I really didn’t feel like I was asking too much. But my other half can’t or is unable to allow that. Either way, I decided that I needed to accept what could or would be given or say goodbye, pick up the pieces and move on.”

 

“Did that mean a new job as well Anthony?”

 

“No, not originally. I had hoped that would not be necessary, but recent events have shown me that that just is not possible. I can’t place all the blame on one person; I am at fault as well. Just know that I am finding it increasingly difficult to work along side this person without wanting to give in and accept what they’re offering. My heart wants that and more. It’s a no win situation.”

 

“Anthony, you have yet to mention a name, do you believe that by not saying it out loud that it makes it less real and final? Because there is nothing wrong with what you want and settling for less is doing the both of you a great disservice. He is very wrong you know. I am certain that his fears are very real to him, but that does not make them right.”

 

“Nor is it something that you should settle for. Love flourishes in the light. Keeping it in the dark causes it to disintegrate over time and lose its vibrancy and vitality. It is certainly not something that you should hide if you’re lucky enough to find it. It should be cherished and nurtured.”

 

“You said he Ducky, do you know who?”

 

“I’ve suspected for sometime now. And no, neither of you gave any signs per se. I have just known the man for years. And may I add that he is a fool for letting you go.” Ducky said adamantly.

 

“You know that I don’t care, Tony. I don’t believe any of your friends would. What ever makes you happy is what I want.” Jimmy leaned over and squeezed Tony’s shoulder in a show of support.

 

Tony for the first time since this all began felt a weight lift off his shoulders. To open up and hear his own words out loud just reinforced his belief that he was right. He knew that logically, but at the same time after Abby’s surprising reaction, he had begun to doubt it and wondered if he were in fact throwing it all away for nothing.

 

The rest of the evening was spent simply enjoying his friends’ company and knowing that they would be there for him as his life changed and moved on. Having their support meant more than Tony would be able to tell them. As the evening ended, both men asked if they could do anything to help, knowing that his decision had to have been extremely difficult to make. 

 

Tony hesitated briefly and Ducky had narrowed his eyes. “I didn’t grab the few personal items on my desk…the decision to leave came on suddenly and I can’t get there to do that.”

 

Jimmy piped up. “Done. I’ll take care of that for you. When you get back from LA I’ll drop by and then you can fill me in on all the new things that you’ll be doing.”

 

Tony grinned at Jimmy’s enthusiasm. “Thanks man.” He turned to Ducky. “I wrote Jethro a letter….could you give it to him? I know it’s really the coward’s way out…but I don’t want to have an argument or leave with that being the last thing I remember.” Tony looked up trying to find all the right words. “I want to keep the memories that I have.”

 

Ducky nodded. “It makes perfect sense dear boy. We all know that Jethro will not take your leaving well and you do not need that on your shoulders. You’re doing what’s right for you. I am quite proud Anthony.”

 

Tony gave him a shy smile. “Thanks Ducky. I really hate to put you in this position.”

 

“Think nothing of it. I am actually looking forward to this little moment we will have. You do know that he will put two and two together and realize that at the very least I know about what the two of you shared.”

 

“I do. I trust you, always have. He’ll have to deal with it and the fact that the world didn’t stop because someone knew about us.”

 

“I dare say that may well be a slight eye opener for him. Shall I say anything to Abigail if she inquires?”

 

Ducky did not miss the narrowing of Tony’s green eyes and the anger that radiated from the man as he shook his head no…saying nothing.

 

“Call us when you get back from LA…we shall go out and celebrate!” Ducky hugged Tony. “Do not be a stranger Anthony. Just because you are not with NCIS is no reason for us to keep our distance.”

 

“Don’t plan on it….I’ll call when I get back.”

 

Tony watched as the two men left and closed his door leaning against it. It was going to be all right…not today or tomorrow…but eventually.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many thanks and tons of love to my Beta Amy! She is truly a marvel!

Ducky stood silently from the top of the stairs watching his friend sit in silence. Though he felt for him, he also knew his solitude was of his own choosing. He had made decisions, and now he was living with the repercussions of those choices.

 

He supported Anthony’s decision to say good bye to Jethro in a letter; it wasn’t something that he would normally condone, but given everything that he had learned, it did seem the more prudent way for both men to part ways. He had no illusions that Jethro would not see it that way; at least not at first. Squaring his shoulders and resigning himself to the storm that he was about to face he descended the stairs.

 

“Jethro. I thought I might find you here.”

 

“Where the hell else would I be Duck?” Reaching for the glass of Bourbon, he threw it back letting the heat slide down his throat hoping to change the pain that resided in his chest.

 

“No need to get snippy with me. I am not the cause for your mood. Do you really think the boy had a choice Jethro? Do you think it was easy for him to leave? I have always known that you carried the title Bastard proudly and in fact, it has often served you well. But this time it cost you more than you were prepared to lose and you have no one to blame but yourself.”

 

Ducky looked around the basement coldly assessing everything he saw, his sharp blue eyes missed nothing. “Have you even left the basement since Monday? You stormed out of the Yard and no one has heard from you in three days. From what I can see, you’re still in the same clothes. Is it helping Jethro? Is it making the pain more manageable to ignore it and lock yourself away from everyone?”

 

Ducky turned to look him in the eye. “Or perhaps you’re realizing the folly of your ways and your own blind ignorance. You chose secrecy over happiness.”

 

Gibbs whipped his head around, his blue eyes blazing with a mixture of surprise, anger and fear. “What do you know?” He choked out.

 

“Everything. Anthony told me the whole sordid story. Did you honestly believe that your friends would look at you differently? Or maybe that was an excuse that you gave him to hide the fact that he was nothing more than a passing fancy.”

 

“Shut up! You don’t know how I feel Ducky. I love him. He was not a passing fling. He was everything.” Gibbs threw the glass he was holding across the room, his need to lash out reached the surface, and he looked around his basement for something…anything to destroy. “How could you even think that I would do that to him?”

 

Ducky moved to stand directly in front of Jethro, his own anger radiating off his body and clearly evident in his stance. “Because Jethro that is exactly how you treated him. I can read between the lines. Anthony did not give me every detail I am sure, he loves you far too much to besmirch you, but I could hear it in his voice no matter how hard he tried to keep it level. You secreted him away from everyone and everything; just what else was he supposed to think? After all you are the one that always touted that actions speak louder than words.” Ducky waved his hand around the basement. “So did this make you feel any better?”

 

Gibbs gritted his teeth, his jaw so tightly closed it was a wonder it didn’t break. “What the hell are you doing here?”

 

“I was concerned for you and decided to give you time before I delivered the missive that I was asked to. I still have my reservations regarding whether you can read it with your eyes open, but that is not my decision or concern.” Ducky grimaced. Narrowing his eyes at the silver haired man he spoke, his tone hard, “Anthony wanted you to have this; it wasn’t how he wanted to tell you he was leaving, but he saw no other way to do so that would enable his memories to stay in tact.” 

 

“Before you even ask, I did not read it. When he confided in me and asked if I would do this for him, I accepted. It was written all over Anthony’s face; until the moment he handed this to me, he was still indecisive. But seeing you here now, I dare say it was the only way. You would have said something, accused or blew up and taken away from him more than you already have.”

 

“What the hell have I taken away from him?” Gibbs’ tone was incredulous. “He’s the one that ran away; didn’t say anything; just left.”

 

“You still don’t see it.” Ducky sighed feeling old all of a sudden. “You took away Anthony; the part that laughed, shared outrageous stories, movie quotes and always had a sparkle in his green eyes. I am somewhat ashamed that I hadn’t noticed him slipping away. I saw a few things …but never the whole picture.” Sighing he thought back on everything that he had seen but put down to a tough case or bad day. 

 

“He has been playing an undercover role since you two began your relationship and in the process losing himself. Two worlds he was forced to reside in Jethro; it took its toll. Don’t you see that?”

 

Gibbs stood stoic as he tried to understand what Ducky was saying. All the pictures of Tony at the office and outside of their bubble flashed before him. As the realization of his actions crashed down, he was also hit with another one. Ducky knew…There was too much going through his mind…too many memories combined with facts that were starting to make themselves known. He needed to be alone.

 

Ducky shook his head. “Don’t lock yourself away Jethro. I shall leave for now.” Ducky held up his hand. “It is clear in your eyes that you desire to be alone.” He took the letter from his jacket pocket and placed it on the workbench. “Read this Jethro and hear what he is saying. I don’t need to have read it to know that boy poured his heart and soul out to you. For once, do the right thing; give him what he needs from you. I shall leave you to it. If you need me do not hesitate to call.” Ducky began to walk up the stairs. “I am your friend as well.”

 

NCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCIS

 

Gibbs finally made a move to pick up the letter. He wasn’t sure how long that he had stared at it; wishing it was Tony instead. He may have had his eyes opened but he was no where near ready to give Tony what he wanted. Knowing that he had fucked up did not change the fact that he still wasn’t convinced he could be any different.

 

He took a jar of nails and dumped them out. Grabbing the Bourbon and the letter, he settled down under the boat to read it. Taking a few swigs, he carefully opened it. Thankful that he still had on his work clothes he pulled out his glasses and read.

 

NCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCIS

 

Abby tiptoed down to the basement in case Gibbs was asleep. She stayed away as long as she could, but she needed to see that he was ok. She was still in shock that Tony had left without a good bye. If she thought too hard, she would be overrun by the image of her slapping him, calling him a liar and the cold look in his green eyes. She kept telling herself that he left because he couldn’t face up to his lie; that he had to go. But she was having a hard time believing that.

 

What she saw in the basement took her breath away. There was broken wood and glass everywhere. She couldn’t have discerned what he was building because it was beyond destroyed. Getting concerned she hurried down the stairs and finally laid eyes on the older man.

 

He was on the floor his back against the wall with paper in his one hand and a glass of Jack in the other.

 

“Bossman? Are you alright?” She whispered somehow afraid to disturb the silence that permeated the basement.

 

“No.”

 

“Is this because Tony left?” Moving closer to him, she noticed the tear streaks down his face. This is not good …so not good. A foreboding settled itself in her stomach and she was scared. 

 

“Yes. My fault…I pushed him away…” Gibbs words were slightly slurred and scaring Abby.

 

“How much have you had to drink? Have you eaten?”

 

“Not near enough to drink…still feel it…want the pain to go away. Don’t want to eat.”

 

“Gibbs, he left….he chose to go…this isn’t your fault.”

 

“Like hell it isn’t. If only I had listened to him…tried to find a way to make it work.” Gibbs shook his head and waved her away shakily. “You don’t know anything.   
Go home Abby. Let me sit here alone.” Grabbing the bottle, he took another drink.

 

“Haven’t you had enough? You never get drunk Gibbs…ever.”

 

His raised his face to meet hers. His eyes were red rimmed and full of hurt that reached the depths of his soul. “Tonight was a good night to…heart broken…my own damn fault….” He sighed and just leaned his head back for a moment allowing the pain to take over.

 

Abby spotted the paper that had slipped from his hands. Picking it up she read it, hoping that there were more answers inside. She had wracked her brain for anyone that Gibbs could have been dating though she knew whom the letter was from before she even read it. All the pieces started to fit. Things she should have noticed…things she had closed her eyes to, choosing not to see them.

 

Her own knees weak with the force of what she had done crashed on her she sank to the floor. Her eyes full of guilt…the man in front of her may have played a far bigger part in Tony leaving; but in her heart, she knew that she was the one who sent him over the edge. 

 

Gibbs eyes opened as he felt her sink beside him. He struggled to open his eyes and had a moment of panic when he didn’t feel the paper in his hands. He couldn’t lose that as well. Those were Tony’s words to him….telling him he loved him….words that he would never hear from his mouth.

 

His eyes flew open at that point to see Abby in tears as she held HIS letter.

 

“Who said you could read that? That is MINE! Written to me.” Gibbs voice echoed across the basement his blue eyes alit with anger. “Give it to me now.”

 

Abby handed him the letter. “I’m so sorry.” Her eyes were downcast trying hiding her guilt and shame as her hands trembled.

 

“Sorry for what? Reading my letter? Coming here when I clearly want to be alone?” Gibbs voice held an edge that had never before been directed at her.

 

She bit her lip not wanting to open her mouth and tell him what she had done. She didn’t want to tell the man who was like her father, that she had slapped the man he loved and called him a liar. That she had been the proverbial straw which caused Tony to leave NCIS. All she had to do was keep her mouth closed.

 

Gibbs bleary bloodshot eyes narrowed at her. “That’s not what you’re sorry for though….I feel it….what else have you done Abby?”

 

Abby shook her head, her lips held tightly together. She wanted to get up and run as fast as she could. Maybe if she closed her eyes it would have been a dream and never happened.

 

“Tell me!” Gibbs bellowed.

 

Tears streamed down Abby’s face and she struggled to breathe and speak. “I went to see him after he left the Yard that day before the end of the case.” She gulped, her heart pounded in her chest and her hands were sweaty. “He asked me to leave…begged me to leave. He didn’t want to talk to me.”

 

“I pushed my way in.” She brought her eyes up to Gibbs’ hoping to see the father that she knew was in there…the man that forgave her most anything…but that was not what she saw. Instead, his eyes were cold and assessing and she knew that he had already figured out what happened; maybe not everything, but that she was the cause of Tony’s departure. 

 

“I made him tell me. He blew up at me and said all kinds of stuff that made no sense….he was so hurt and angry.” Abby stopped there wondering if she could possibly salvage this….did he need to know everything?

 

“And…” Gibbs eyes bored into her very soul pulling the truth from her. 

 

“After he repeated it….I called him a liar and slapped him.” Abby took a deep breath. “He got a strange look on his face and his eyes turned cold….he told me to get the fuck out….and closed the door.”

 

She watched as the man in front of her held clenched fists in his lap as he took everything in. His voice icy with barely contained rage. “And do you think it is coincidence that he then called up Morrow and asked for a job? Do you think that you had nothing to do with his leaving?”

 

Abby struggled to find a way out of this and tried again. “But you his…how could he be telling the truth? I told him you would never do that to someone you loved!”

 

“But I did do that….and I do love him. And I now know that it wasn’t my actions that sent him running….you did that.” Gibbs held up a hand to stop her. “I take the blame for my part…what I did to him…but he would have stayed for a least a little while; no guarantees on long term. But maybe…and I do mean maybe, we could have worked something out. At the very least, we would have had a chance to do that. Don’t know if it would have worked or not and it may have netted the same results. But do you know what you cost me?”

 

“A chance.” Abby whispered.

 

“Has he ever lied to you?”

 

“No.”

 

“Then why would you think for a moment that he had this elaborate story concocted just for you. You fucking barge in his home, push him into a corner, and force him to talk. Does that sound like a lie that comes out of someone’s mouth at that point?” His voice was full of anger and echoing across the room directed at her.

 

“But…”

 

“You need to leave Abby. NOW.”

 

“But Gibbs…please….let me make this better. I can fix his….talk to him…” Abby pleaded her green eyes begging and hoping to find a way to fix this…them…Tony….everything.

 

“Not this time. For once, I am going to listen to what he wants. You are not to talk to him…or try to contact him in any way. You have done enough damage. DO I make myself clear?”

 

“Yes. Are we ok?”

 

“Not by a long shot.”

 

“But Gibbs….I didn’t mean to…I didn’t know…”

 

“Leave.”

 

Abby walked towards the stairs feeling like the Death March was playing, that she had managed to lose more in the past few days than she realized. And worse, there was no way to fix it.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many thanks to my Beta Amy. Couldn't do this without her and I wouldn't want to!

Tony leaned over meeting Gibbs’ lips in a searing kiss. Running his tongue run over the older man’s bottom lip, he was immediately granted entry. Their tongues met and caressed each other as they joined.

 

Breaking when the need for air overwhelmed them, they sat breathing heavily with their foreheads against one another.

 

“Fuck.” 

 

Tony laughed. “I second that. Wanna take this upstairs?” Suggestively wagging his eyebrows, he leered down the older man’s body; there was no room for misinterpretation.

 

Unable to resist the way Tony looked at him and wanting to taste that mouth, those lips and feel that tongue again, Gibbs captured Tony’s mouth in a brutal and need ridden kiss. The younger man moaned into the kiss as it deepened. They moved closer to one another wanting more touching and less space between them. Their need and desire for each other took over.

 

They moved together as if they had always done so and their dance together became fluid and sexy as they began to remove one another’s clothes. Piece by piece they uncovered flesh that needed to be explored by lips and tongues.

 

Pebbled nubs were sucked on as Tony arched into Gibbs’ mouth and silently begged for more. Happy to oblige the older man switched back and forth between them alternating sucking and nipping at them. Gibbs’ need was building to epic proportions as he mapped every inch of Tony’s body with his mouth and tongue. He had never felt such a burning desire with anyone before. It was as if Tony awakened his need to the very depths of his soul and he would never get enough.

 

Wanting to devour Tony, he licked the pooling pre-cum from his cock and caused a hiss to escape the younger man’s lips as his body in turn thrust up trying to get more. That merely awakened the beast in Gibbs and he quickly wrapped his lips around the head and sucked as Tony’s hips thrust upward. “Please…Jesus Gibbs…suck my cock.” The younger man managed to gasp out as he was overwhelmed with the need to find his release anyway he could.

 

Gibbs slid his lips down the long shaft until his nose was buried in the soft hairs at the base of Tony’s cock. The younger man was ready to explode as he was engulfed in the wet heat. Tony didn’t think he’d ever felt anything as heavenly as the other man’s mouth around his dick. 

 

“Fuck yes.” He growled out as Gibbs began bobbing up and down his cock deep-throating him. Desperate to both cum and hang on at the same time his body warred with itself as he struggled not to lose it too soon. It felt so damn good he knew he wouldn’t be able to hang on. His fists gripped the sheets in an effort to stay in the moment and stop from being swept away, but he was fast losing that battle, the need to cum was overwhelming.

 

“I’ve got to cum” was all he managed to get out before he screamed the man’s name as he shot his cum down his throat. Gibbs slowed down but kept moving and sucking on the cock. He loved the taste and captured every drop not wanting the waste the heavenly nectar that he drew out of his lover’s body.

 

Struggling to catch his breath Tony muttered “Wow” before his lips were claimed and ravaged. Tasting himself on the other man’s tongue somehow seemed so erotic. But he was ready for more; he needed and wanted Gibbs inside him filling his ass. 

 

Breaking the kiss, he brought his lips to Gibbs’ ear. “Fuck me. Please. I want you.” 

 

Gibbs was more than ready; his own cock engorged and needy wanted nothing more than to feel Tony’s tight heat squeezing around it. He grabbed the lube, coated his fingers and down between Tony’s legs began to run them around the tight ring of muscle. The younger man moaned when he felt a finger slowly slide into the puckered hole.

 

“You’re so tight. That is going to feel amazing wrapped around my dick.” Gibbs added another finger as he trailed kisses up Tony’s neck wanting to mark him. Reaching the juncture of the neck and shoulder, he bit down and Tony thrust into his fingers as he begged.

 

“More...please...don’t stop.”

 

The older man used his tongue to soothe the sting and added a third finger curving them slightly to find the prostate and send Tony over the edge. When the younger man cried out and began furiously to fuck his fingers, he knew he found it.

 

“Like that do you?” Gibbs’ voice was deep and husky and filled with need and he watched the sexy man thrust against his fingers. One day he would indulge himself and just watch Tony fuck himself on his fingers. The thought was too intense and he removed them, quickly coating his own cock with lube and thrusted into his lover, filling him completely, his balls resting against the man’s ass.

 

“Yes.” Tony cried out.

 

Gibbs pulled nearly all the way out and began thrusting deeply, hitting the prostate every time. 

 

“Fuck, you feel so good. You’re so hot and tight.” Tony cock was hard again and he reached down, tightly wrapped his fist around it, and began pumping it in time with his frenzied thrusts.

 

“You’re going to make me cum again.”

 

“Do it.” Gibbs growled. “Cum for me. Give it to me.”

 

Tony cried out, wracked with tremors as his release flowed through his body. Unable to hold on any longer the older man roared when Tony’s ass squeezed like a vice around his cock and he shot his cum into him.

 

Gibbs screamed Tony’s name and startled himself awake. Drenched in sweat and gasping for air, he looked around realizing that was only a dream. Reality hit him as the emptiness and silence surrounded him. It was oppressive and weighed on him as he looked around and saw he was alone.

 

Everything had changed and it was all by his own hand; he had caused Tony to lose himself and was now paying the price. Unable to sleep anymore he got up and headed to the kitchen for coffee. He had already had too much bourbon and it hadn’t helped ease the pain or make the memories go away.

 

His thoughts went to Abby. She had tried to talk to him again but he had rebuffed her. He had no desire to talk to her. He wasn’t blaming her for the breakup as that was all on him; but she was the reason Tony left. She had cost him a chance to make it right, taken away the time to find a compromise. She was the final straw, the one who had pushed him over the edge and as a result, Tony was gone. He didn’t even want to look at her. 

 

He drank his pot of coffee quickly, torn between going to sleep and staying awake. Neither were good options as they both brought their own versions of pain and loneliness. Grabbing a blanket and pillow out of the closet, he settled on the couch hoping that if he wasn’t in the bed that was far too empty he would sleep in peace. Silently he pleaded the dreams to return; wanting to lose himself in them rather than the silence and despair that had taken residence up in his home.

 

He let his thoughts settle to the scene when he went to Tony’s the day Vance told them he had resigned. Even though he knew he was gone to California for training, he had merely wanted to be surrounded by his things, his smell, and his presence.

 

***Flashback***

 

Gibbs paused at the door, knowing that Tony wasn’t at home, but after the shock had worn off, Gibbs needed to be there. The bullpen felt strange….empty and wrong with out Tony in it. All he could hope for was the day to pass quickly so he could get the hell out of there.

 

McGee and Ziva were still reeling in shock that he was offered such a position and after they had made a few too many snide remarks, his glare had reduced them to silence. Then they had asked the one question he couldn’t answer.

 

“Why?”

 

He applied Tony’s specialty- deflection. “DiNozzo receives several offers every year from nearly every law enforcement agency out there. Apparently this year he received one that he couldn’t refuse.” Gibbs managed to get that out without choking on his words. He needed to get out of there.

 

He needed to know the why as well. He knew it wasn’t because of their issues, it was more than that; he had missed something. He needed to know what that was so he could try his hardest to fix this, to bring Tony home to him…where he belonged. Glaring at Ziva and McGee for their assumptions, “Maybe you two should look at the requirements for a Senior Field Agent then actually look at DiNozzo’s background. You’re supposed to be investigators.” Pausing for effect, “I’m going out”. Turning he left behind two stunned agents.

 

It took ten minutes to get to Tony’s. He stood in front of the door needing to go in and yet…knowing that it wouldn’t provide the answers he needed. He pulled out his lock pick and made quick work of the lock his need over powering his reason. Opening the door the sight that greeted him left him speechless. He walked the few steps into the apartment, closed the door and collapsed against it.

 

The place was empty; no furniture, no movies, no Tony.

 

***End Flashback***

 

He had driven home after that and called Vance asking, though subtly demanding, a few days off. He locked himself in his house and shut himself down in the basement. He wanted to see no one. That was until Ducky and then Abby had barged their way in and had spoken their piece. 

 

Gibbs reached over to the coffee table where Tony’s letter lay. Picking it up and bringing it to his chest, he took a deep breath. The letter mentioned nothing about him moving…but what right did he have to know that? Clutching it to his chest, he tried to absorb Tony’s presence through the paper and the words, blocking out everything else as he closed his eyes.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many thanks to my awesome Beta Amy! We are getting back on track!...ok...I am!

Ducky watched as Abby sulked in her lab for as she had since Tony left and Gibbs refused to give in to her tears. He hadn’t wanted to be brought into her drama this time as she had no one to blame but herself; but he had had enough.

 

“Abigail, don’t you think you have spent enough time sulking? You do realize that you brought this upon yourself?”

 

Turning her head sharply in response before she shook her head vehemently, “Not all of it Ducky…they kept me in the dark…they did this on purpose. It didn’t have to be this way.”

 

“For heaven’s sake Abigail, what makes you think that you have the right to know everything about everyone’s life?” Holding his hand up to forestall any response, “Though I will concede that they did not need to hide this from everyone…BUT I also know why they did.”

 

“It was and is their choice with whom and when they would share such a secret. Perhaps they were right to assume that not everyone would be so accepting. I do not know the facts of your encounter with Anthony, but I did see the hurt and anger in his face when your name was mentioned.”

 

“It is the same with Jethro; perhaps they are less than thrilled with your reaction. I do not need to know the facts of either event to know that you have backed yourself into a corner. But I do know that right now this sulking and pity party you are having is wearing thin. What you think you will accomplish I do not know, but it needs to stop.”

 

“But…Ducky...” Tears were streaming down her face. “Tony couldn’t have been telling the truth…Gibbs wouldn’t have…but then I found out that Gibbs did…I slapped Tony…yelled at him…called him a liar…” Taking deep gulps of air, “Then I went to Gibbs…read the letter…it is all so messed up. If they hadn’t…they should have told us…Tony didn’t have to leave…Gibbs won’t talk to me…he barely looked at me”

 

“You have made a fine mess of this haven’t you? I do not condone the secrecy, but I understand their need for it. It is hard to share something so intensely personal and private. Have you not seen the number of hate crimes that we have investigated Abigail? Jethro was raised in a very different time and secrecy is a byproduct of that.”

 

“Anthony is different, he would be careful of whom he chose to share that facet of his life. But you had to insist…to barge in, speak your mind, and then read an intensely personal letter and now must pay the piper. Whether you can ever mend these fences or not is something I can’t help you with and won’t.”

 

“You trod where you were not welcomed. You would not listen when you were asked to leave them alone…you pushed your way in and I dare say now have had the door firmly slammed in your face.”

 

“But Ducky…I have to make it right…fix this. Bring Tony home.”

 

Ducky shook his head sadly. “No Abigail you do not. Leave them alone, let them heal and come to you if they choose.”

 

“No…I”

 

“Stop it! You need to do nothing more than what you have already done. Grow up Abigail.”

 

Raising her eyes in shock at the older man, she was unable to form a response.

 

“Life does not always have a happy ending, you do not always get what you want, and there are always consequences for our actions. They need quiet support not interference. Jethro has to live with his choices.”

 

Sighing deeply he turned to exit her lab. “Let it be.”

 

NCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCIS

 

Tony stood outside letting the sun beat down on him. Training in LA had ended up being a life saver. The distance, the time and the fact that he was ultimately too busy to dwell on the past events had all helped heal him. It was something he wouldn’t have believed when this all started. 

 

Six months…had it been that long already? The time had flown by. The only contact outside his new team and Boss he had had with anyone had been with Ducky and Jimmy. They were truly a Godsend in more ways than one.

 

He was moved in to a new home sight unseen because of the two of them. He had a lot of reservations until Ducky had pointed out all the high points of moving.

 

****Flashback****

“Anthony, this offers you more than you hope for right now. Peace will be at the top of the list.”

 

“Peace Ducky?”

 

“No one but Jimmy or I will know where you live until you deem it necessary to tell them. No Abigail, no Jethro trying to talk to you. A home where you can simply be.”

 

“That does sound really nice. Be kinda nice to have a place where heat and hot water are a constant.”

 

“I assure you dear boy that this place suits you.”

 

“Let’s do it. I trust you Ducky.”

 

“Then I shall inform Daryl that you will be purchasing his town home post haste.”

 

****End Flashback****

That had been the weekend he had left for LA. Tony chuckled inwardly. Perhaps Ducky had been planning this move for a while no doubt having heard for years of the issues with his apartment. The pictures were beautiful and though he had never set foot inside it, it looked like home. He sure as hell didn’t know how to begin to repay Jimmy and Ducky for their support.

 

All he knew was that he felt freer than he had ever felt before and was ready to move on. They had allowed him to vent, rant and scream about it all and in the end talk it through. He knew without a shadow of a doubt that he had made the right decision in everything. It hurt like hell to have lost Abby…but he was ok. Jethro’s wounds were slower to heal and his heart was still shattered, but he could feel it getting stronger and knew that he would be ok seeing him if in fact they ran into one another.

 

His team was better than he could have imagined. They fit together seamlessly each having skills that complimented one another. One of the first things he was going to do when he got back to DC was invite them over to his new home to meet Jimmy and Ducky. Smiling into the sun, he knew that it was going to be all right.

 

NCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCIS

 

Tim wanted to beat his head on his desk. It had been well over a month since Tony had resigned and he was no closer to finding a way to accomplish all the paper work and minutia that went along with being an SFA in a reasonable amount of time.

 

He had quickly learned that Tony was far more than he had ever let on and most assuredly regretted his treatment of the man. But there was nothing he could do about that now; the man had left no way for anyone to contact him. He had tried Abby and after the wave of tears he knew he would get nowhere with her.

 

Gibbs either. If he had thought the man was a functional mute bastard before, now he was certain that was an understatement. He was more silent and surly than he had thought possible. Hell, he barely looked at or acknowledged Abby and he was getting nowhere in trying to find out the why.

 

Ziva was just as puzzled by everyone’s actions and had resigned herself to simply glaring at everyone. There was no laughter or smiles in the bullpen anymore and he was hard-pressed to remember a time when there was.

 

He had spent quiet hours at home trying to put all the pieces together and every time he thought he came close, it didn’t make sense and he would try again. What he had managed to see in hindsight was that Tony had been becoming more closed off over the past year and he had missed it. What the hell kind of an investigator was he? For that matter, what kind of friend?

 

He was even more ashamed when he had taken Gibbs advice and looked up the requirements for the position of an SFA. Taking it a step further, he had dug into Tony’s file deeper, reading the recommendations, commendations and notes from his former police departments, former Directors Morrow and Sheppard. He needed more than a Gibbs slap to knock some sense into himself.

 

How the hell had he missed all of this? He had seen firsthand what the man was capable of; the intuition and jumps of logic that solved a case. Why had he refused to acknowledge the skill? Was he that jealous of someone having intelligence that rivaled his? He really needed to do some deep soul searching and figure this out before he saw Tony again. This was all on him and he was the only one who could change it. 

 

He was more than disgusted with himself. He had followed suit when Ziva began her attitude towards Tony instead of remembering what the man had done for him. He could only hope that someday he might be able to apologize for his actions; and maybe…just maybe make amends and if he was lucky, rebuild a friendship.

 

There was no doubt that the older man had taught him to be the investigator that he was and how to have a stronger back bone and what did he do in return? He was an asshole. Not something he was proud of in the least.

 

NCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCIS

 

Gibbs walked wearily into his house. He hated coming home…hated being at work…hated himself. There was no place he found comfort or peace. He had fucked up royally. He didn’t talk much to anyone anymore.

 

Ducky tried and was more successful than anyone was. Kept offering sage advice and spouting off about giving him time. It wasn’t as if he really had any choice in the matter. Months Tony had been gone and he was just coming to terms with it all. He was an idiot pure and simple and it cost him his happiness. He had no illusions that he would ever be given a chance to make it right and honestly, he didn’t deserve one.

 

Tony had asked for so little and he hadn’t budged, the man deserved more than that. But he knew that if he was given a chance, he would move heaven and earth to get it right.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many thanks to my most awesome Beta Amy!! She is truly amazing and a treasure!

Tony arrived early because he wanted to set up his office…make it personal and comfortable for him, his team and any agent or otherwise that he needed to deal with. He was still in a bit of awe over the fact that he had such an office with a view of the Capitol…but the office was his and he was ready to begin a new chapter of his life.

 

Having met with Director Morrow over dinner, he had been given free rein to run his department as he saw fit. In fact he found out that he was the one Homeland had wanted for this position since it was created. 

 

That statement alone had quelled any lingering nerves that he harbored. He felt great about his team and their combined skills and was ready to hit the ground running. There would be no lack of work for them. Hell he had a file drawer full of people and actions that needed to be looked into.

 

He was ready for the challenge and knew without a shadow of a doubt they were as well. It felt better than he could have ever imagined having a group that accepted his skills, personality, and instinct without question. 

 

He was impressed with their diversity each having a set of skills that complimented one another. Scott Radcliffe was a former Navy SEAL with some serious skills that including being a pilot. Rick Sedgewick was a former Feeb that had been part of the BAU but wanted to do a bit more. And Harrison Hartnell was a former Quarterback for the Redskins who happened to have a degree in Computer Science.

 

They were going to be a force to be reckoned with.

 

NCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCIS

 

Gibbs was ready to kill someone. Their TAD of the moment was cowering at his desk and he damn well should have been. They were seemingly unable to solve any cases with any speed and it infuriated him. They managed to get there but it took twice as long. Ziva was not an investigator…how he had never noticed that before pissed him off even more.

 

They hadn’t been able to keep any new agent for long as no one seemed to be able to tolerate his moods. What did they expect? He had always been a bastard that hadn’t changed, ok….maybe it was a bit more than in the past but they were going to have to deal with it.

 

This was who he was and unless by some miracle Tony walked through that door, this was what they were going to have to deal with.

 

“McGee!” He growled at the younger agent. “Do we have anything new on the Petty Officer or are we all just gonna sit on our asses while he looks for another victim?”

 

McGee took a deep breath knowing this was just going to get worse. “He hasn’t used a credit card or made a call Boss, we haven’t been able to get a location. No one seems to have seen him and right now he is flying under the radar.”

 

“I have it set that if he turns on his phone or uses a credit card it will ping me. Until then we are flying blind.”

 

“So we have nothing.” Gibbs turned his eyes on Ziva. “Anything from his friends? Are they hiding him?”

 

Ziva shook her head. “Nothing. They are all saying the same thing- that they haven’t seen or heard from him, but that we must be wrong and that he wouldn’t and couldn’t do this.” Pulling out her notes as she kept on, “The only one I have not been able to reach is his former girlfriend. She has yet to answer my call or try and contact me.”

 

Gibbs swallowed his coffee. “Try again. Melbourne! Do you have anything?”

 

“No si…Gibbs. He hasn’t showed up for duty and his CO has no clue.”

 

“Find the man...dig deeper. Someone somewhere has seen him. He did not disappear into thin air.” Looking at his agents still standing there he raised his arm and pointed. “GO!” As they grabbed their gear and headed out, he shook his head. He was too old for this shit…it didn’t feel the same anymore and frankly he was starting not to care.

 

He knew that Tony was back in DC and despite his best efforts, he hadn’t run into him. Then again, he had no idea where to look. His pride wouldn’t let him ask Ducky and he was certain the man wouldn’t tell him. But he needed to set his eyes on him.

 

Fornell was proving to be a source of info regarding Tony’s new team, but that had to do because he had no idea about why Tony left. The only question he had asked was why he hadn’t told him Tony was scoping out new opportunities because he would have made him an offer he couldn’t refuse.

 

He had come close to confiding in his friend, he needed to talk to someone, but he couldn’t. He was sure Fornell would rip him a new one for being a pigheaded ass and he would be right. So he kept his mouth shut and his pain hidden. But the Feeb had taken it upon himself to set him up on dates.

 

No matter how many times he told him no and that he had no interest, he kept doing it. The fact that he thought he was helping made him feel worse. He had no interest in the women. He went out, played the part, and felt emptier than he had before.

 

A part of him knew he needed to make more of an effort. That maybe one of these women could ease the emptiness slightly, but it wasn’t what he truly wanted. He had gone this route before and it had gotten him three divorces. But Fornell was persistent.

 

But he wasn’t quite ready to let go of the hope that he could make it right…somehow.

 

NCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCIS

 

“Come on Tony…you need to go out with us. Call it team bonding.” Scott grinned that devil may care grin and Tony just shook his head. “We’re all single, well except for Harrison since he placed that ring on Daniella’s finger. We can be each other’s wingman.”

 

Harrison stood up, his 6’5” frame intimidating. “I make a great wingman”. Preening at his team mates, “Hell I can send all the ladies that fall at my feet to you all.”

 

Rolling his eyes as he shook his head Rick laughed, “Dude, we can all do just fine. Look at us. We are a force to be reckoned with. Women will have to choose which one of us they want…gonna be tough man.”

 

Tony held up his hand the famous grin in place. “Stop before you start singing ‘I’m too sexy for my shirt’. I don’t think any of us need that at all.”

 

“You coming with then?”

 

Tony looked at his team mates…friends and made a decision. Taking a deep breath, he quipped. “Who says I limit my choices to woman?” quirking an eyebrow.

 

Scott laughed. “Hot damn! More options for you then.”

 

Rick narrowed his eyes. “As long as we are better looking than them.”

 

Harrison quipped. “That is a given.”

 

Tony relieved and excited about this turn of events ran a hand down his chest as he smirked. “This does not attract anything less than the best.”


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many thanks to Amy who is AWESOME! She is a wonderful Beta! The best!

Gibbs glared at Fornell as they walked into the bar. “Why did I have to come out with you this time?”

 

“Do I need a reason?” 

 

He raised an eyebrow at Fornell. “Considering that you have set me up on more blind dates than I thought possible, call me wary.”

 

“No, really I just wanted a drink, no surprises. Aren’t you still going out with Ginger?”

 

Plastering a grin on his face, he stifled a sigh, “Yep.”

 

“You don’t sound so enthused.” Fornell narrowed his eyes. “Seriously Jethro, are you already planning on fucking this up as well? At some point I am going to run out of woman.”

 

They took their seats in the dark recesses of the bar. Gibbs hailed a waitress and ordered. “Not trying to…just doesn’t feel right. I’m giving her a fair shot.”

 

Fornell shook his head as he tossed back the bourbon that had been set in front of him. “Sounds like you’ve already made up your mind.”

 

Gibbs suddenly had a moment of clarity. He understood what Tony had been trying to tell him and absolutely knew with utmost certainty that he was a fucking coward. His friends, their friends, should have a part of their life. Hell, he was sitting with one of his oldest friends and he knew nothing about his life. That was more than just a little fucked up.

 

He looked up at Fornell and was about to speak but paused when he heard a laugh that haunted his dreams. Desperately he sought its source and with unerring accuracy spotted Tony. As much as it hurt to view the man, he couldn’t look away.

 

He looked good…sexy…he fought the urge to go up to the man and say... Say what he should have said months ago - That he was wrong…an idiot…private. But the younger man knew all of that already and right now, at this moment, nothing had changed. He wished to God that it had, that he could go up to Tony and pull him into a kiss that left no doubts in anyone’s mind that the man was his.

 

But all he could do was watch frozen in his spot. 

 

NCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCIS

 

Fornell watched in fascination trying to ascertain what was holding Gibbs’ attention. It took a moment and then he saw DiNutzo and the group surrounding him. He had wondered why the younger man left NCIS and had yet to get a straight answer out of anyone. Hell Abby broke down in tears if anyone mentioned the man’s name and that was the few times he had managed to see her. 

 

Frankly, he had been trying to piece this altogether since it all started. There was a story here… a big one and judging by the rapt attention Jethro was paying the younger man it centered around him. Sitting back, he was content to remain silent and watch as he tried to fit the pieces of the puzzle.

 

He was not even acknowledging his former SIC and considering how tight and damn near inseparable they had been over the years was setting of warning bells in his brain. Whatever had happened concerned Tony of that he was sure. Jethro looked like he was ready to practically jump out of his skin seeming to fight his desire to go over there to. Right now, a lot of things made no sense.

 

Add this scene he was witnessing right now to the fact that Abby and Jethro were barely speaking and the tension between them was palpable anytime they were in the same room. Whatever caused DiNutso to leave NCIS unexpectedly was something he was going to figure out one way or the other.

 

NCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCIS

 

Scott leaned over and whispered. “Don’t look now but I think you have another admirer.”

 

Tony snickered. “Are you my wingman now?”

 

“Whatever works man.”

 

Stage whispering Tony covertly looked around. “So where is this ‘admirer’?”

 

An amused voice from behind Tony answered. “That would be me.”

 

Scott quickly turned away laughing as Tony blushed slightly. He turned to apologize for his remark and found himself staring into the greyest eyes he had ever seen. “Sorry about that, I certainly meant no offense.”

 

“None take, though your friend is right, I am an admirer.” Smiling the man held out his hand to Tony. “I’m Stuart.”

 

Taking his hand with a firm shake, “Tony. And this crew is Scott, Rick, Harrison, Veronica, Sabrina, Kurt and Joe. The first three work with me and the rest…kinda joined the party.” 

 

“Mind if I join you?”

 

Tony shook his head and grinned. “Nope, not at all.” 

 

Sitting down next to Tony he gestured to the bartender to set them up. “Shall we start with some small talk?”

 

Harrison snickered. “I’ll help you out here. Tony is a Federal Agent, likes movies and long walks on the beach.” He continued to laugh when Tony punched him in the arm.

 

Stuart chuckled. “So how much of that is bullshit?”

 

Tony gave a shy smile. “Would you believe none of it?” 

 

“I would. I’ll tell you a secret, I love the sand on my feet” winking at Tony. “So you’re a Federal Agent. Good to know. I am the one who patches you guys up, Dr. Stuart Warrington at your service.”

 

NCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCIS

 

Gibbs watched the stranger come up to the group and stand behind Tony…HIS Tony. And then his heart dropped…it wasn’t his Tony…he gave up that right and was now paying the price. Unable to tear his eyes away from the group, he wished like hell he could hear what they were saying.

 

He could see that Tony was nervous and hesitant to let the man in…and he wanted so much to see Tony turn away and deny the obvious attraction that was between them. If he could have willed it, he would have…he needed time….he wasn’t ready. He couldn’t let go yet…there was still hope…he simply needed time.

 

But if the laughter and the easy conversation was anything to go by, his time was running out and he didn’t have a clue in hell how to stop that. Ducky had given him the same advice for months…if he wanted Tony he was going to have to start over from scratch and show him that he could be open.

 

Even knowing that, he hadn’t made a single move. He was a fool.


End file.
